Confessions of a COE

I have not binged in over 90 days.

Let me say this again:

I have not binged in over 90 days.

I am pretty damned proud of myself. I have lost about 18 pounds through not binging. I have start to exercise regularly. I no longer drink pop (at least on a daily basis. I do occasionally have like a Malibu and Coke or something when I am at the bar). I have gotten rid of most of the processed crap in my diet. I drink about 100 oz. of water a day- in fact, I crave water! I have cut most of the salt from my diet. But the most important thing of all- I finally got past step Four. Well, as past it as one can get. There will always be things that come up that I don’t like about myself or that I do like about myself, that is normal.

This weekend I am going to Kentucky with my fiance and some of our friends from college. I’m really excited about it. It’s a chance from me to get away and relax. Take a break from school, from work, from my every day concern. Only problem is the temptation to binge. I can make excuses for having that extra slice of pizza or extra dessert. Oddly enough, I feel confident that I will not binge. I feel awfully damn confident in myself and my willpower not to binge. I can’t wait for more time to go by and for me to get that next token, that “6 month binge-free” chip. One step at a time. That’s all I can do. :)

So I have not binged in four days. I have also lost 6.3 pounds. This right here shows you the dangers of overeating. I’ve lost 6.3 pounds by doing nothing. The longer I remain abstinent the more weight I will lose too. That is pretty much how I lost the 25 pounds, I was abstinent for the most part for about three months. Then the binging slowly started back up and I slowly put the weight back on, and then I started to put more weight back on. It’s not healthy for your body to go back and forth like that. This time however, I am determined to make the abstience stick. I am getting married in 23 months. I am getting my engagement pictures done in six months. I want to be able to look at those pictures and like who is in them. I want to start my marriage off on the right food. I know that this time I can do it. I know what my problem is and I’m getting help. This time will be different. Now if only I could get through step four.

Like I said in my last couple of posts, I am on step four. I am supposed to make a searching and fearless inventory of myself. I am supposed to inventory my character flaws and my character assets. I am supposed to admit my fears and resentments. I’m still stuck on the first part. I am currently attempting to inventory my flaws. The list hit about 35 character flaws. My asset list was 4. I am supposed to have twice as many assets written down as flaws. It’s obvious I am beating my self up (I guess I should add self-hating to my list of flaws), but I have a hard time seeing the good in myself when I am in such a low place.

My sponsor is telling me that i need to focus on the flaws that I can see having an everyday impact on my life. That’s definitely helping to whittle down the list, the problem remains that I don’t see much good in myself. That is one of the roots of my overeating. I sat with the list in font of me for about an hour, trying to will one of the asses to feel like me. To jump out. I wanted to be able to yell, “Ah ha! That’s a great thing about myself.” It didn’t happen. And strangely I am okay with that. Because even though I did not add any assets to my list, I did manage to take away ten of my flaws. This is a step by step program. I’m not meant to accomplish all 12 steps in a matter of days. It’s a work in progress.

I’ve been good. Almost 2 days abstinent. Today I’ve been doing homework. ALL DAY. The sheer stress of getting it done keeps making me reach for food. I read something slightly confusing and I’m reaching for Butterfingers. I mess up on a sentence, I’m reaching for a bag of chips. I’ve removed everything from my room, so now when I want to eat, I have to leave the room and think twice about where I’m going and why. It’s been enough to stop the urges. So far.

I have one more week to get through before Thanksgiving break. I not only get to go home for the week, but I also get the week off of school. Unlike BV, Penn State does not give a break after midterms. I have been going non-stop since August with no break. Despite the stress and the non-stop ongoing of work, I know that it’s about to get even worse in two weeks when I have to start studying for finals. I also know that my break is going to consist of doing projects despite having school off, and watching myself to make sure that the excesses of Thanksgiving and the holidays do not throw me off.

To top if all off, I do not have a car. It died a week ago, and I cannot get a new one until January. So I have been feeling claustrophobic and trapped. I feel as if I can’t go anywhere. In reality I really can’t. I have to depend on others to get my shopping done and to get out of the house, and it’s driving me nuts! I don’t think that has been really helping my recovery. But, if I can recover in a bad time, then I should be able to maintain that recovery in a good time as well. I just need to keep working the steps and all will be well :)

I’ve been abstinent for the day. That’s good. Two meals so far, also good. One small fruit snack, and a vegetable snack. I haven’t binged once today, really good. But I’ve thought about it. It goes with the territory I suppose. I want to binge, and then as I’m doing it I feel good, but the guilt after- that’s the biggest problem. I feel guilty and depressed and I want to eat more to make myself feel better. Alcoholics and drug addicts will tell you that the main reason they use drugs is to numb themselves, or to feel better. I do the same, but with food.

I’ve been thinking a lot about step four today. About what is it about my personality that is allowing my addiction to rule my life. There has to be fears and resentments that are allowing me to continue on my road to destruction. I know that in order to overcome my addiction, I need to face these things. However, I know that this is not just going to happen- I have to work at it. I have to put my trust in God that he will guide me away from this addiction. I have to take the program one step at a time, and take life one day at a time. That’s all I can do. One day at a time.